


are you there, mila? it's me, python

by jified



Category: Fire Emblem Echoes: Mou Hitori no Eiyuu Ou | Fire Emblem Echoes: Shadows of Valentia
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Gen, ft clive cameo and mentions of fernand, this fic is VERY anti-clive and anti-fernand beware
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-22
Updated: 2018-01-22
Packaged: 2019-03-08 00:33:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,684
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13446729
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jified/pseuds/jified
Summary: Forsyth joins a Fire Emblem roleplaying discord. In other news, Python watches the stupidest trainwreck ever. (5 drabbles)





	are you there, mila? it's me, python

1.

Generally, Python tries to respect people's privacy. 

Which is a lie. Python only ever respects people's privacy when it takes effort not to. If he's just chilling at a cafe, eavesdropping on the next table over? That's fair game, and anyone who says otherwise (Forsyth.) can go eat a dick. _(Forsyth.)_

So it should be no surprise that Python's currently peeking over Forsyth's shoulder to stare blatantly at Forsyth's computer screen. Reclining back in his chair, squinting slightly at the overbright screen, and grasping a cup of coffee in hand; oh, that's Python alright. Pure Python. Essential Python. The Python to end all Pythons. 

"What the fuck," he says.

This, too, is Python. 

"Gah!" Forsyth jerks in his chair and flails a bit, managing to hit Python in the chin, but not quite managing the toppling off his chair part. Which is a shame. Python's always enjoyed the latter far more than the former. 

"Is that the Fire Emblem roleplaying discord you were talking about the other day," Python says after his quick recovery (he's far too used to it, really. _Forsyth._ ), focusing once again on Forsyth's computer screen. Forsyth ineffectually waves his hand in front of it, a sad, pathetic attempt at covering his shame. Python bats it away absently. "Holy shit, dude."

"No it's not," Forsyth denies. Lies.

"Eldigan," Python reads out, and Forsyth shrieks and flails his entire body even harder. Their dorm neighbour bangs on the wall, shouts something like "fuck off" maybe, but Python doesn't give a shit. Their neighbour should be used to this anyway. Fucker. 

"Eldigan," Python repeats, dodging Forsyth's limbs expertly while still keeping his eyes glued to the screen. "Ten thirty-two PM. _Cuan, I do trust you with all my heart, really. And you are my best friend. But are you truly certa-_ "

And there Forsyth cuts him off by decking him in the ribs. 

"Ow," says Python. The natural response. Especially since Forsyth does have a good right hook. Which is, unfortunately, aimed at him most of the time, but, well, what can ya do, y'nno?

"I hate you," says Forsyth. "I detest you. I despise you-"

"Did you, like," says Python, "learn all these words from intensive roleplaying."

Forsyth punches him again. 

(But, well, what can ya do, y'nno?)

"Fucking stop," Python says, and grabs Forsyth's wrists. Forsyth stares at him balefully, but keeps still. Oh, for sure, Forsyth can break out of Python's weak noodle hold easy peasy. But here's honorable Forsyth, stopping when Python says stop, shutting up when Python says no, and apparently also roleplaying a character who was so loyal and honorable that he literally died. 

Python never really cared for Eldigan. Or anyone in the Camus archetype, really. But especially Eldigan. And Xander too, but Python doesn't really think much of Fates in general, so.

"Ugh, Python, there's nothing wrong with roleplaying!" Forsyth protests, and Python tunes back into reality. He lets go of Forsyth's wrists, and takes a step back, though he still does keep an eye on Forsyth's screen. 

 

_#rp_  
**Eldigan** _Today at 10:32 PM_  
Cuan, I do trust you with all my heart, really. And you are my best friend. But are you truly certain that this is the best idea?

 

"Are you even listening to yourself?" Python asks, cocking his head. "It's roleplaying, Fors. You know who roleplays? Losers, that's who."

 

_#rp_  
**Cuan** _Today at 10:32 PM_  
Of course I'm certain, my good friend. What could possibly go wrong?

 

"You're a loser, Python," Forsyth says, rolling his eyes. "And roleplaying's cool."

"Oh, nice joke," Python snarks back. "Who'd you hear that from? Fernand?"

"Actually," says Forsyth. Python stares, just for a bit. 

 

_#rp_  
**Cuan** _Today at 10:32 PM_  
See, Ethlyn even showed me his schedule! It'll go fine. 

 

"I," Python declares. "Am never talking to you again."

"GOOD," shouts Forsyth. He spins around in his chair to slam his dumb, meaty fingers down onto his poor, abused keyboard once more. Dumbass. Shit for brains. Moron. Idiot. Simpleton. Guy who actually listened to _fucking Fernand._

Python can only watch in despair, as Forsyth presses enter, and a new message pops up in that blasted discord chat. 

 

_#rp_  
**Eldigan** _Today at 10:33 PM_  
Well, I suppose I can't exactly stop you now, can I?

 

2.

One facet about the whole mess that Python's willing to ignore is this:

They're all redditors. 

So one day, some guy/asshole from the reddit wakes up, has the absolute worst idea ever, and goes, "Hey, you know what I should create? An abomination!" (Probably fucking Fernand, fuck that guy, fuck everything he stands for, fuck him fuck him fuck him-) And then he creates the discord in question, posts the invite on reddit, and every single idiot _(Forsyth.)_ in the Miladamned reddit goes, "Hey, this is a good idea."

That is, at least, how Python imagines it goes down. 

Which, okay, well. The reddit community's not that bad. Certainly doesn't deserve its reputation. And hey, at least it isn't Gamefaqs! It's not that bad. 

Except one day he goes onto said Reddit and right there on the front page lies "Quotes from the r/Fire Emblem RP Discord" and Python oh so badly wants to fucking click that tiny 'x' and e'x'it but instead he finds his cursor hovering over the title, and, really, how bad can it be?

In retrospect, this is a stupid fucking question.

 

_#crack_  
**Kelik** _Today at 5:27 PM_  
How much weight... Can you handle?

**Kagero** _Today at 5:27 PM_  
/puts my tits on a weighing scale

 

_#crack_  
**Yami Yugi** _Today at 1:02 AM_  
It's time to duel!

**Phoenix Wright** _Today at 1:02 AM_  
With cards?

**Yami Yugi** _Today at 1:02 AM_  
Of course! What else?

**Phoenix Wright** _Today at 1:02 AM_  
...

**Trucy Wright** _Today at 1:02 AM_  
Don't worry daddy! You're good at cards, aren't you?

**Phoenix Wright** _Today at 1:02 AM_  
..........

 

_#rp_  
**Soleil** _Today at 8:22 PM_  
No... It's just...  
Sometimes...  
I get this feeling... In my chest...  
With you...

**Corrin** _Today at 8:22 PM_  
Is it asthma?

 

_#crack_  
**L'Arachel** _Today at 4:37 AM_  
It's free real estate!

 

And that's when Python realises the gravity of Forsyth's mistake.

Lukas looks up from his book, blinking across the table at Python when Python unceremoniously slams his head onto the table. 

"Are you alright?" he asks, faint concern laced into his voice. 

"I'm fucking fine, Lukey," Python says. Croaks. Despairs. 

"Is this about the roleplaying thing," Lukas asks. If Python strains his ears, then maybe, just maybe-

Nope. No sympathy from Lukas. 

"Yes it's about the roleplaying thing," Python says. 

"Okay," says Lukas. 

"Fernand approves, Luke," Python slams his hands on the table and raises his head. He stares, wildly, at Lukas. "Fernand."

"Python," Lukas says. "Just because. Fernand. Approves, doesn't mean that it's, er, inherently bad. Not. All the time. And really, you're blowing this out of proportion. I've never seen you act so- so, uh, enthusiastic?"

"Are you sure about that," Python says, referring to the Fernand point and ignoring the other half of Lukas's words. Because fuck that shit, Python is worked up and he has good fucking reason. 

"I," Lukas says, and pauses, because fucking everyone knows the only one who hates Fernand more than Python is Lukas, and boy oh boy do Fernand and Lukas hate each other. 

"Lukas," Python says. "It's bad."

"It's not that bad," Lukas says. 

"Stop lying to yourself."

"Python," says Lukas. He pauses. "Shut up."

"Being the TA doesn't make you Mila," Python says, but shuts up anyway. 

 

3.

Professor Clive is a shithead. That's what Python thinks, at least. Some fucking rich white guy who owns four mansions, apparently, totally classist, totally believes in the monarchy. The guy who says, "Oh, I'm not racist, but-"

Fernand sucks up to him so much, it makes Python sick. And of course, anything that Fernand approves of? Bad. Horrible. Worst. Professor Clive isn't the worst at teaching, but also Python wants him to eat shit, so. 

But also Python may be a depressed piece of shit who isn't high-functioning like Lukas is or enthusiastic like Forsyth is, but also he needs money because money makes the fucking world go round! Woohoo! 

Python wants to do fucking nothing and has no damned plans other than maybe being some dumbass engineer thingy but also he needs a job and that's why he's standing in front of a door that has a plate that reads "PROFESSOR CLIVE" and below it reads "Feel free to enter :) Open door policy" and he wants to die and Mila he is not ready for this consult. 

Professor Clive opens the door, in the midst of Python's inner despair, and blinks at him. 

Presumably because Python has been standing outside this door for like five minutes but didn't actually do anything because he was too busy astral projecting into the fifth dimension, opening his third eye, fucking floating in a galaxy of stars, whatever the fuck. 

(Professor Clive is also one of those people who thinks depression is a fancy word for feeling 'bummed out' and Python hates him. So, so much.)

"Ah, Python?" says Professor Clive, and he smiles genially. "Come in!"

"Ah," says Python. "Right."

Python walks in. Python glances at Professor Clive's screen, because he's a piece of shit like that. And Python sees these words in bold, discord letters. 

 

**FE Roleplay**  
_#rp_  
**Xander** _Today at 2:32 PM_  
Corrin... I've been holding in these feelings for so long, but I can't handle if anymore.  
I love you, Corrin.

 

And Python... Python kinda wants to cease existing. 

Professor Clive shuts the door, and locks it with a click. 

In retrospect, it's somewhat akin to Python walking straight into Hell while flipping off Mila. And then regretting it immediately. 

 

4.

**@knightofknights**

**Force!!** _Today at 7:58 AM_  
Python  
Can you at least  
Speak to me  
I KNOW YOURE ONLINE PYTHON  
I CAN SEE YOUR GREEN DOT  
Python  
Python  
P  
Y  
T  
H  
O  
N  
STOP IGNORING ME

 

**@lukas0919**

**oh this? it's laced with drugs** _Today at 8:01 AM_  
Python. Please respond to Forsyth. He's spamming me. 

**so no head** _Today at 8:01 AM_  
hes spammin me 2 lmao  
2 fuckin early 4 this shit

**oh this? it's laced with drugs** _Today at 8:01 AM_  
Then please respond.  
I do not enjoy this.  
I have Fernand's number.  
He is a mod in the discord.  
Do you want me to tell him that you're interested in joining?

**so no head** _Today at 8:02 AM_  
....luke  
buddy  
pal  
friendo  
r u rly doin this  
w8 y do u hv shitheads no.

**oh this? it's laced with drugs** _Today at 8:03 AM_  
I have my ways. 

**so no head** _Today at 8:03 AM_  
Um Ok Toatlly Not Ominous

**oh this? it's laced with drugs** _Today at 8:03 AM_  
Do not avoid the question, Python.  
Respond to Forsyth.  
Or else.

**so no head** _Today at 8:03 AM_  
UGH  
FINE  
U TYRANT  
ASSHOLE  
DICKWEED  
SHITBITCH  
FUCKFACE  
CUNT  
URA. FUCKING CUNT

**oh this? it's laced with drugs** _Today at 8:04 AM_  
I have the message half typed out.

**so no head** _Today at 8:04 AM_  
U BETTER STOLP

 

**@knightofknights**

**Force!!** _Today at 8:03 AM_  
PYHTON  
*python  
PYTHON  
STOP  
IGNORING  
ME  
S  
T  
O  
P  
I  
G  
N

**so no head** _Today at 8:04 AM_  
IM FUCKIN HERE STFU

**Force!!** _Today at 8:04 AM_  
O  
R  
OH  
PYTHON

**so no head** _Today at 8:04 AM_  
n stop spammin lukas hes thereatening me n IDL IT

**Force!!** _Today at 8:05 AM_  
You deserve it  
:)

**so no head** _Today at 8:05 AM_  
this is python abuse  
im calling the police

**Force!!** _Today at 8:05 AM_  
YEHA BUT WHAT YOURE DOING IS RPER ABUSE  
YEAH*  
THERES NOTHING WRONG WITH RPING!!!!

**so no head** _Today at 8:05 AM_  
ugh its JOKE fors  
stfu

**Force!!** _Today at 8:05 AM_  
Oh so you JOKINGLY ignored me for two days???!???!

**so no head** _Today at 8:05 AM_  
ya im dedicated 2 humor  
maybe i shld bcome a comedian

**Force!!** _Today at 8:05 AM_  
NO ONE WOULD LAUGH

**so no head** _Today at 8:06 AM_  
ouch  
u hurt my feelings ;(

**Force!!** _Today at 8:06 AM_  
Honestly python what do you have against rping

**so no head** _Today at 8:06 AM_  
ok so acrually  
i was jst like. plannin 2 like make fun of u 4 a bit  
but then  
u had 2 open ur shitty mouth  
n talk abt fernandobitchface  
so  
no  
fuck u  
fernand a shit

**Force!!** _Today at 8:07 AM_  
Are you serious  
Are you  
Honeslty  
*honestly  
Just doing this  
Because  
Of  
Fernand

**so no head** _Today at 8:07 AM_  
uh  
ya  
lmao

**Force!!** _Today at 8:07 AM_  
...  
..  
.  
.  
.  
.  
.

**so no head** _Today at 8:07 AM_  
so like do u hv sth 2 say Or

_Force!! has gone offline._

 

**@lukas0919**

**so no head** _Today at 8:08 AM_  
so i thimk i may hv legit pissed fors off

**oh this? it's laced with drugs** _Today at 8:08 AM_  
I don't know what you expected, really.

 

5.

Python slams a box of Forsyth's favourite chocolates in front of him, when Forsyth's sitting at his desk in their shared room. 

"Eat," he says. 

Forsyth blinks. 

It's quite hard, ignoring your roommate, but Python pulled it off before that whole disasterous discord chat with Forsyth. And right after, Forsyth decided to be the second case study of it and do it right back to Python. And, well. This... may or may not be Python's fault?

It usually is. But typically Python isn't like, a good friend, and eventually it goes back to normal, the incident forgotten. Except this time, uh. 

Anyway. 

(Listen. Python is trying. His best. To be. A solid. Person. So.)

"Are you actually apologising," Forsyth asks, eyes wide in disbelief. His mouth is gaping, as he pulls the box Python proffered closer to him.

"Yes," says Python. "But also kinda not really, because I stand by my reasoning."

Forsyth's face falls. 

Python feels a pang of... something, sharp and stabbing, in his chest. Asthma?

"Sorry," Python hurriedly says, his apparent asthma compelling the word out of his mouth. "I mean. Like. Fernand's a dick, still. And I think the discord is totally cursed, because I saw some quotes from it, and jeez. And also Professor Clive was doing his shitty incest roleplay on it, and uh. Cursed. But also. Like. Do what you want. Man. Sorry. I don't know."

"Python," says Forsyth. He looks Python right in the eye. "You are terrible at apologising."

"This is like, the second time I've ever done this in my life, cut me some slack," Python snaps. The first was to Lukas, after The Fernand Incident. In retrospect, it's kinda funny, but also really fucked up, and yeah. That was. A thing. 

"I know," Forsyth says. "Unfortunately."

"Uh," says Python, because Forsyth's still staring at him. "I'm like. Sorry. And. I shouldn't have. Done those stuff. Because I didn't have a right. And. Yeah."

"Did Lukas tell you what to say," asks Forsyth. 

"I asked him for advice, shut up Forsyth, and yeah. Sorry. There," Python finishes and crosses his arms over his chest. Fingers play on his arm, a rat-a-tat-tat. Forsyth sighs, and Python tenses.

"You're an idiot," Forsyth says, affection clear in his voice, and Python lets out a huge sigh of relief. "Dumbass."

"Speak for yourself," Python says, and Forsyth rolls his eyes. Wow, this is weird. A complete role reversal. But whatever. Everything's fine now. Water under the bridge. Lukas can stop sending him those extremely ominous and (not that Python'll ever admit it out loud) vaguely terrifying smiles, and texting him a countdown from five to zero, a number everyday. And Python's new and sudden asthma seems to have just as suddenly disappeared, so.

And then Forsyth blinks. 

"Wait, Professor Clive did what?"

**Author's Note:**

> disclaimer i actually like rpers and rping and also yes this was inspired by the unofficial r/fe rp discord which im not actually in but uhh anyway rpers if ur reading this then im sorry and i do love u xoxo


End file.
